Family and Life

My second oldest brother just has his baby!! I’m thrilled for him. He already has a daughter who is turning 5 this year. And now a new baby boy!

While I am so thrilled to have a nephew, I am so sad. I am across the world and I can’t be there. I was there when my niece was born. I got to hold her moments after she was born. But I can’t do that with my nephew. I’m really sad about it. It’s making me feel a bit homesick. Like, should I have renewed my teaching contract here? I’m basically going to miss his first year of life. I will miss my nephew’s first year. I won’t get to hold him until August when I get to visit home. But it’s not the same. Times like this make me wonder if I should go home instead of stay.

But my brother having another baby also makes me sad because I want a family one day. However, the truth is that I probably won’t be able to. It’s a long and complicated story. You could read some old posts to realize why I feel like it. But at this rate, I’m 28. 30 by Korean standards. Not getting any younger. Though I would love to have a family of my own, I realize that, that kind of life may not be for me or what God has in store for me.

For that matter, my faith in God…there’s always doubts. I take that back. I don’t doubt God exists. I know he does. I’m here. I just always question how far I’ve gone to be saved by God. At what point does one lose grace? I have many questions that people can’t answer and even though I’ve prayed for clarity, I don’t necessarily get it. It’s a long and complicated relationship for me.

I guess I got off topic again. I always seem to do that. But the point is that – first, I’m over the hill happy to have a nephew. I am also sad I won’t see him for a long time, and again, the idea of not having a family of my own sends me into a thinking mode of what ifs.

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I need to lose weight

I know I need to lose weight and get to a healthy me, but every time I try, I fail miserably. I have uncontrolled diabetes. Yes, I know. It’s bad. I eat way too many sweets (to the point that I crave them) and I do not exercise.

I’m such a loser. I need to change, but I don’t know how. I try to give up my sweets, i try to only do it once a week. but it just doesn’t happen. I can give up tons of things so easily (fast food, soda) but sweets and everything else are my downfall.

I had like tons of pastries not too long ago. I think now is the time. I am going to make a schedule for myself. I can’t be like this anymore. I can’t be like this…Let’s make a change.

Please encourage me!!! I NEED ALL THE ADVICE AND HELP I CAN GET! Baby steps. Let’s start with a schedule of when I will be doing things and maybe a menu. I’m going to have to do this so that I can have a long life, so that I can possibly have a family one day (if I actually meet someone. But let’s face it, no one would want to date me the way I look now) so I guess making more of an effort would be a great thing.

Let’s be real. You have to want to do this for yourself and not for anyone else. I say this all the time. While I know it’s true, sometimes I forget. I hate the way I look. I have the worst self esteem ever.

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Poetry/Misc Thoughts

Misc Thoughts:
Struggling to love myself. Struggling to find God. I’m not strong. I’m not worth much. I was thinking about my korean co-teacher who quit in November. I miss her, but we drifted apart. Today, I saw that one of the foreign teachers hung out with her. I’m a bit jealous. I miss her. But we drifted apart and it’s now really weird between us. I wonder if I should contact her. I’m really struggling lately with finding my faith…with finding God. It’s a very long story. I just wish I could figure out how to start.

Untitled:
“My heart is breaking for reasons unknown. The bandages are unraveling at the seams, drenched in blood. It’s breaking like shattered glass. Unfixable. Its pounding is getting faster, needing oxygen to stay alive. Needing what’s missing just to survive. Alas, it stopped. It didn’t even say goodbye to me. My own heart. I never knew what it was thinking. But I always felt something was missing. I always knew it was broken. But the stitches i used to try and mend it…torn. I knew this day would come. But too soon it came. What once was broken, stayed. And in the next life, I’ll protect it more. Or so I say. What once was, always is, and never to be again.” Written on Jan. 22, 2017

Untitled
“A war amongst people only leads to death. It’s a slow death of our souls. Of our rights. Of our emotions. Of our family. Of our friends. A war amongst people takes a toll even on death itself. But the war wagers on. Determined to see a victor. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? A war amongst people only leads to death.” Written on January 31, 2017

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Because of a kdrama

I’m a bit obsessed with korean dramas or kdramas. They are so full of the most ridiculous content you can imagine. Switching bodies, poor girl/rich boy love triangle, affairs, time travel and the list could go on. But one of the most common threads in many of these kdramas is love.

I just finished watching the kdrama called Goblin with Gong Yoo (who I love). It was such a great show!!! I wish they would have extended it to 20 episodes and not just 16. Anyways, I cried during the last three episodes as all the stories/plots came together in the end. I cried because when love is lost and gained again, it’s a miracle. I won’t get into the plot here, but I do highly suggest watching this drama. It will most definitely get you hooked on kdramas.

But I want to take the time to talk about the love aspect of it. The love between the main characters – while so unattainable in real life- works perfectly well for the story. The problem with this? I’m such a hopeless romantic. I screamed at the part where the characters found each other again. A love that lasts a lifetime. I know that some people get to be with people they love for a lifetime (and by love, I’m speaking more about a significant other/husband/wife etc) and some people never find someone.

It’s how life works. We don’t all get to find love. We don’t all get a marriage, a family, a love that can only be found between married people. The more I watched the drama, the more I was certain that this is true. Friends often try and cheer me up by saying there is someone out there for me. And truth be told, there probably is. But that somebody won’t meet me. Why? Because it’s life. It’s not perfect. I can hope. I can pray. But some prayers aren’t answered and hope can only take you so far.

I realized through the ending of the drama that I’m most likely not going to find that in my life. If I believed in reincarnation (as in the drama), maybe in my next life. But because I don’t believe in that, I have this one life to live. I will make the best of it. I will try to be happy. I can make my happiness. I can focus on me. I can always live vicariously through dramas I suppose.

As I’m writing this, I’m forgetting the main point of this blog. I guess, I just wanted to write down this emptiness I’m feeling. This sadness. This heart is aching for something I haven’t even experienced. So why does it feel like my heart is in a million pieces?

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Still Hoping for Love

No matter how much I change the only thing that is ever consistent is the my hopeless romantic view of maybe I might be happy and find a love that takes me through the ups and downs.

But they say you can’t find love until you love yourself. Does that mean I won’t ever find love then? Can you let me know how to love yourself? I don’t think I know what that means or if I do. I am very proud of myself for things I’ve done. But love?

It’s a bit complicated. I’ve posted about this before but as I sit alone in my apartment in a foreign country, I realize that I can’t find someone because of a couple of things. First, I am bad at meeting new people. It pains me to meet new people and then trying a guy who will like me for me. Terrifying. Second, I don’t think I love myself.

Despite all this, I absolutely still want to try and find love. A love that gives me ups and downs, fights, joys, trips, arguments, hand holding, sadness, happiness, and madness. I want it to encompass all these emotions and more. I want to put effort into it. Why can’t I find someone? Why?

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It’s Been a Long Time

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything on my blog.

Life.

Since my last post here so many things have happened. One of the main things is that I’ve moved to South Korea to teach English. I’ve been living in Uijeongbu, South Korea for about 11 months now. I just re-signed my contract to stay until February 2018. Part of my new year’s resolution was to start my blog again and put forth how I’m feeling, my poetry, experiences and frustrations out.

It’s been such a long time since I last wrote something down…

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Things Are Coming Along

As mentioned in my previous post, I am revamping my blog.

It’s coming along! I think a lot of the changes will be great and I hope that those that read my blog also find the changes to be good. I have many things I want to talk about and show and start a discussion.

My other blog is coming along. I am working on the design still etc. But once I get that up and running as well I will definitely let you know. It’ll be about my journey with my Systemic RA and about other illnesses I have.

I hope by the end of October both blogs will be back up!!!!!

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