My second oldest brother just has his baby!! I’m thrilled for him. He already has a daughter who is turning 5 this year. And now a new baby boy!
While I am so thrilled to have a nephew, I am so sad. I am across the world and I can’t be there. I was there when my niece was born. I got to hold her moments after she was born. But I can’t do that with my nephew. I’m really sad about it. It’s making me feel a bit homesick. Like, should I have renewed my teaching contract here? I’m basically going to miss his first year of life. I will miss my nephew’s first year. I won’t get to hold him until August when I get to visit home. But it’s not the same. Times like this make me wonder if I should go home instead of stay.
But my brother having another baby also makes me sad because I want a family one day. However, the truth is that I probably won’t be able to. It’s a long and complicated story. You could read some old posts to realize why I feel like it. But at this rate, I’m 28. 30 by Korean standards. Not getting any younger. Though I would love to have a family of my own, I realize that, that kind of life may not be for me or what God has in store for me.
For that matter, my faith in God…there’s always doubts. I take that back. I don’t doubt God exists. I know he does. I’m here. I just always question how far I’ve gone to be saved by God. At what point does one lose grace? I have many questions that people can’t answer and even though I’ve prayed for clarity, I don’t necessarily get it. It’s a long and complicated relationship for me.
I guess I got off topic again. I always seem to do that. But the point is that – first, I’m over the hill happy to have a nephew. I am also sad I won’t see him for a long time, and again, the idea of not having a family of my own sends me into a thinking mode of what ifs.