Something missing

Lately, I’ve been feeling like …

I can’t even describe it. A lot of my friends are now in relationships and/or moving in with their significant others or even contemplating marriage. I feel like, not that I’m behind them or anything, but I’m not getting any younger. I have seriously been thinking that it’s a bit late for me to find someone…to find someone to begin a family with.

I used to tell people I never wanted to get married. I used to say those things because I was afraid…afraid of commitment, of how someone else will feel if I get sick again with my illness, or rather how they would handle me knowing that I have a chronic disease. I was/am afraid that if I had a family that they may inherit what I have, even though people say it’s not genetic. You just never know. I didn’t want to put anyone through that, so I told myself I would never get married. But as I got older, I kept reevaluating what I wanted and how I wanted to spend my life.

I have even thought about adopting a child (whether I’m married or not) and being a foster parent. I want to help these kids make it and show them support and that they are worth more than everything and that hard work pays off. But I’m not sure if people would look kindly upon a single woman with a chronic illness. I’ll try either way when I’m older and financially stable, but the thought is still there. And while I’ll treat these children like they are my own, I know that I would still like to have one of my own, from my own body, from the love of a wife and husband who wanted children.

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