Last Night’s Thoughts

Last night I was wide awake. I got home from work around 10:00pm and while I tried my hardest to go to sleep, I ended up watching tv for hours on my phone.  But even after I turned off my phone and tried sleeping, I just couldn’t. I was thinking too much about …. life. 

i know God exists because I, myself, am a miracle. I could not be here without God. And while I’m trying to give my life to God, it’s a bit hard. I’m trying. I’m even praying. I’m trying to have a conversation with Him. I’m trying to make myself a better person ..and I hope He gives me the strength to make the changes I need to do that. But because my thoughts are always all over the place, I started thinking…Heaven and Hell. Yes, they exist. 

Heaven – a place of perfection. A place where there is no pain or sadness or struggle. 

Hell – a place of horror. A place where it is filled with impurities and wrong doing. 

Even if those places don’t exist, I don’t want to live with no purpose. Don’t people need something to believe in? I mean, I would much rather have the faith and know that when I die there is a place made just for me than to never have believed and figured out they do exist.

To be honest, I’m very scared of getting older. I’m 26 years old and I am  scared of aging another day. Not for vanity reasons, but for the simple reason that ..”what if” I end up in Hell. I mean, I’m no saint. Not only that, but have you ever just wondered how you can be here…For example, I’m at Starbucks writing this post. Me, myself, and I are at this place, typing on my laptop. But where are you? It’s in my perspective…but what happens when I die? I can’t see or hear what others are thinking …I can’t understand them from their perspective because I’m in my own own. I don’t even know if I’m making sense a this point. All I know is that I’m a bit scared…knowing that one day I’m going to wake up at be 60 and realize how much time I’ve wasted. Time is a scary thing. 

It’s like one day I was 15…I remember being in high school and not having a care in the world…And then the next thing is 10 years later..All the struggles…it’s just crazy. How much more am I going to age…going to forget? This is why i have to have something to believe in…because with everything that’s happened to me over the past 10 years…I need something to believe give me strength. I need the advice and discernment to be able to continue living…

God – Forgive me for everything wrong I’ve done. I know I’ve messed up. i know that I don’t always do the right thing nor do I ever say the right thing. I cuss way too much. I believe that the struggles I’m going through are things that will make me a better person…I am who I am today because of them. I know that you’ll help me find a new job soon and that I won’t have to stress about how to pay bills, help my parents out and do what is needed to be done. I’m not afraid of hard work and I know that I’m going to be a masterpiece once you’re finished working on me…One day I’ll have the same type of faith my mom has in you. I see how she is and how happy she is even when things aren’t going the way she planned. And I know when the time is right you’ll send someone who will love me for me. Even if I feel like time has already passed enough for me to find someone, I have faith that you’ll still have a plan for me, even if i don’t think so. One day…One day I’ll look back at this and know how far I’ve come.

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