On a daily basis I feel like I’m nothing. It’s just there are times when I feel so low about myself. I know every young woman feels something like that, but I absolutely HATE feeling like it. I feel like I’m never good enough for anyone – family, friends, work. I know that no one is perfect. And I’m not trying to obtain it. What I want is to be …. I want to be okay with myself. I don’t want to continue thinking that I’m going to end up alone. I mean, who does? It’s not like I’m pretty. I’m not even remotely sexy or good looking in any way. I’m average. I’m a big girl.
It’s so weird. I am normally such a … outgoing kinda chick. I mean, I can talk to anyone (when I want to). I can be the most confident, independent woman in the room. But then there are these times when I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. I mean, shouldn’t I be proud that I have two degrees, a good job (beginning of a career), family and friends? Why am I so incapable of seeing my own success? Why am I so set on feeling like I’ve done nothing and therefor am nothing? I already have the worst self esteem a person can I have. I can pull off being confident when I have to be, but when it comes right down to it, I’m vulnerable. I hate showing people that. I mean, ever since I was a kid and i had to grow up a lot faster than others, I had to show that I was strong. I had to be strong so that others wouldn’t worry. It was always just a face. I’ve done this kind of thing since I was a kid. Now it’s just a habit.
I hate crying. I hate saying sorry (especially if I don’t mean it). I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate being weak. I hate low self esteem (and I have it!). Maybe hate is such a strong word. Maybe it’s just that I’m confused and a bit lonely. I feel like I’m going to spend the rest of my life alone. I used to not want to get married. Then a couple of years ago I changed my mind to it being okay if I got married. If it happened it happened. Now I’ve come to want to get married. But in order to get married, I’d have to meet someone. After the whole John situation, I know i’m ready to start dating, it’s just the idea that I have to meet them first. How do I meet someone? I’m 25 for goodness sakes and I’ve never really been on a date. Not really. It makes me a bit sad to realize that I never have.
I need to build up my self confidence. Otherwise, how else will I make it?