Thinking Moods

I always leave the title to my posts for last. When I start writing these posts, I have something on my mind, but sometimes my post changes. I end up talking about something else. And so the title to my posts comes last because of that. I want the title to represent me and what I’m feeling.

Today, Saturday morning, I woke up super early for a weekend 7:30am!! Horrible time for a weekend morning where all I wanted to do was sleep past 8:00am. But, I woke up with a …with what I call my “thinking moods.” Thinking moods are when I get into a funk and start thinking about nonsense that usually gets me down. I mean, really down. I can put on a show for others during the day, but in my head,  I’m screaming my head off. Like I said, I woke up in a thinking mood.

I just heard the new Ne-Yo song and I started thinking about this one verse “Let me love you, until you learn to love yourself”…Well, I’ve heard how you find love when you’re not looking, that you fall in love with someone you may not have thought about in that way before, that love can change people, and that you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself — hense why the song lyric caught my attention.

Do I love myself? I don’t know. Isn’t that an answer I should know? I mean, I’m proud of myself. Is that the same thing? I’ve been through a lot in the 24 years of life. I mean, sometimes I wonder how the hell I even made it past the age of 12 or 18, let alone get old enough to be 24. I really didn’t plan on much past the age of 18. I said I wanted to be a doctor, end up changing for something else (Which reminds me, I’m officially a full-time employee as a Marketing Coordinator at the newspaper)! The only thing I knew was that education was going to keep me going, and it has. I have two degrees and am working on getting the experience to back it up, ya know?

I’m proud that I have two degrees. I may not go around announcing it to everyone I meet and neglect to mention it sometimes when talking to people at work, but I know that I have my degrees, and for myself, I’m proud. I never thought I’d reach that far to even earn a degree. But does being proud mean the same thing as loving yourself?

Everyone has image issues. I don’t care how old, young, middle-aged someone is, especially for women, we have insecurities in how we look. I don’t know if it’s because of the media, of fairytales, of the stories women tell, but we have it in our heads that we’re never going to be good enough, never going to be pretty enough, smart enough, healthy enough, strong enough, loved enough. I’m one of those women that have these insecurities. Many of my friends don’t know this. They don’t know how I really feel because I kind of see these issues as being…weak. Actually, weak is a really bad word. I feel more … self conflicted. Like, why should I have these emotions of feeling insecure, when I’m confident in my attitude/personality. It’s a contradiction of sorts. Yeah, I know we all have self image and self esteem issues, but none the less it’s a contradiction.

Do I love myself? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. Just writing the word “love” creeps me out. People who know me, know I don’t like using that word. It represents a feeling that I don’t know anything about, and/or have had a bad experience with. Don’t get my wrong, I love my family unconditionally. But even to my own parents, I rarely say that to them. I’m more of a — actions speak louder than words. Yes, I still live at home and yes, I’m working on moving out when I can save enough money. I may argue with them and sometimes, yes, throw a tantrum for something that we don’t agree on (childish, I know, and I’m working on that), but I do my best to do what I can to show them that I love them. I take them out my mom to breakfast sometimes, my dad to the movies if there’s really a movie he wants to go see, give money to them whenever I can for the house and for extra spending money for them. But I just dislike using “love.” Once in a blue moon, I’ll tell that to my mom and dad, only because my mom gets into breakdowns sometimes.

But do I love myself? Wow. It’s such a simple question and yet, I don’t have an answer. I wish I could change soooooooo much about myself. I wish I was healthier, that I wasn’t fat, that I could not worry as much as I do about things, that I could stop thinking about certain people, that I can lose 40lbs, that I didn’t have all the scars on my legs (from scratching mosquito bites), that I could give more money to my parents for everything they’ve done, that I didn’t feel lost. I wish I could change all those things about myself. And yes, there are some that I could probably do, like losing weight, and trust me, I’ve tried. I always start off good, but still end up giving up. It’s hard to work out when you have an illness that prevents it sometimes and it’s worst when I don’t have my medicines. Not because I don’t want them, but because, well, I don’t have money to pay for it, so I have to wait until I get money, which is usually weeks after I actually need it.

Oh so sad, don’t you think? Not being able to see if you love yourself? If I can’t love myself, can I not find love? I would like to meet someone that makes me feel like I’m appreciated, like i’m something to them. But sadly enough, no one has sparked my interest as much as John ever did. And that didn’t go well as you can tell from previous posts. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just going to end up alone. Alone and wondering if I love myself and if I had/do, if I would have found someone to love me too.

I hate my thinking moods. This is what it culminates to.

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