Dear God #1

Dear God,

I’m struggling. Since when am I not struggling? I just don’t know how to …how to give my life to you. I wish I could go back to when I was kid. At least while I was younger I knew that you were there for me and that no matter how much pain I was going through because of my RA, I knew that it would be okay. I had that innocence in me. I was kinda sheltered most of my life because of my RA…and it never occurred to me that things don’t always go the way we planned until after I graduated middle school. 

But God, don’t get me wrong. I want to be able to give my life to you like I had when I was younger. I want that faith that my mom has…it’s so strong in you. I want to be happy. I know that you exist. I know that because I’m still here. I am a miracle. But I just…have been so far from you. I really don’t know how to get back. I’ve had conversations with others and I even went to a friends’ church today. But I’m still worried. I’m still…hesitant. 

I don’t know how to relinquish myself to you. I don’t know how…or rather, I don’t want to? But I do at the same time? God, I pray to you. And sometimes, I know that you’ve answered a few prayers, whether it be immediately or years later (Actually, that’s ironic..i’ll explain in a different post), but I still …

Honestly, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know where to go from here.

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