What have I done?

Have you ever read those articles in magazines or online…those articles where they list “top 20 under 20” or “30 under 30″…These people have such grand ideas and go full throttle on them that they become millionaires or philantropists or humanitarians…They do what their heart desires. I get jealous, envious of them. I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. How did these young people even manage to do something so big? I’ve had ideas and plans on things I want to do…things that could benefit others (and myself). It would give me something that I’ve always wanted–something worth living for.

Isn’t that what it is all about? Finding something your passionate about? Finding something you live for? I want that. But then I come back to reality. I have bills, loans, real work, and what’s more, my family depends on me. I still live at home. The only car we have is the one I own and pay for (by myself mine you). I give my family as much money as I can without going broke in my bank. My parents don’t work. My father is disabled and my mother…well, that’s along story. Anyways, the truth is, they depend on me a lot and that’s been a huge reason why I haven’t “flown the coop” as many people like to call it. I mean, how can I leave if I know they depend on me? My mom likes to call me rude and cruel…well,she’s right. I am a very blunt person, not just to my family but to friends as well. It’s a characteristic that I cherish and hate sometimes. But there’s one thing I know I am for sure: lost.

Lost…I don’t know where I’m going. I’d like to think I do. I’d like to think that I have some type of plan but I don’t. I want to believe that things work out, that I’ll get that “wow” moment like those young adults who make those lists. What’s even more awesome about those people is that many of the times they do it with others in mind. They don’t do it because they think they might make a buck out of it. No, they do it because they saw a problem that needed to be fixed and they posed a solution. I wish I could do that. I do. I want to think about others before I think about myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am a giving person, but I can be very selfish when I have to be. But when you’ve had the struggles I’ve had, being selfish is sometimes the only option you have. But I want to give back…I want to live for something. I want to be so passionate about something that I can’t wait to wake up in the morning.

I want to work. I want to have a career. And while I think having a career will make me a working citizen and give me a financial stability I’ve never experienced before, I want that feeling that I’ve made an impact on others; not just my family or friends, but others who I don’t know. I want to prove to myself …or, maybe, just to anyone who will listen, that I can make a difference, that EM can make a difference to others. I have the biggest fear of being forgotten, of not having made a difference in anyone’s life. It scares me. I mean, there have been times when I have dreams about it and I wake up sweating and  tear comes down my face. I’ve learned how to hold back tears. I hide a lot of things inside. There are things that I can’t even let my best friend know. It scares me. It really does.

Back to the original topic. I want to do something to change…something. Not necessarily the world, but change someone, change an outcome, change a town, a situation…something. But what can I do? How do I even manage to reach such a goal? Some of those “20 under 20” people are super smart. Not only that, but they have the means to do it. I can barely make due sometimes. How do I do that?

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